just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My hand turned me down
You smell like a Billy Joel song
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
