adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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