i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize