i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
