Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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