Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
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