My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
He passed out mid-signature
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
