i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
