Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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