It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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