Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
