Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
