You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
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