the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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