well I can't set my house on fire every night
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I think I just sharted jello shots
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
