You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My vagina is very pro this idea
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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