My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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