he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
