if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
