i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize