The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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