I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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