me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
