He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
