it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
