u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
