Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
