a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
