genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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