Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
