Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
