he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
