Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
