I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
