...so i touched it.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
