she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
