Someone shit on the floor
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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