I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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