C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
