OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
