So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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