dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
