I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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