you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
