Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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