Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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