I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
