I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Let's get the cat blown out
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
