So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
