Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
