So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
