I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
