thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
