This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize