I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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