I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
