At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
