My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
People with herpes should wear stickers.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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