One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
