seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
