you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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