I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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