Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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