Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
