thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
