"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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