It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
