I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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