I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
The ass gains better be worth it
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