So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
