Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
